Sunday, April 5, 2015

Is Singleness an Idol?




I opened a box of one of my old book collections, figuring it was still in there.

Yep, uh, huh.

Slightly dust-covered, page edges a bit mis-colored, but otherwise no worse for wear.

My old copy of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, in one piece, my name and the date I'd acquired it scrawled in pencil on the front page boldly declaring ownership.

Idle curiosity, and perhaps in that idle curiosity, a lingering question about what exactly had compelled me to, for so many years, build much of my life around the philosophy expounded on in that book, prompted me to crack open the pages that had so long laid shut.

The words lept up and hit my eyes; words popping out on nearly every page and burning onto my retinas.

Purposeful singleness. 

Season of singleness.

Singleness, glorious singleness on every page.

My stomach wrenched and I started feeling nauseous.

I couldn't read more; I closed the book.

"Don't Rush"

I heard this all the time, from women my mom's age (and not just when I was still a mere slip of a girl , either, mind.)

"Don't rush. Take your time. Don't let a guy ruin it. Focus on other things in life."

Rush? Rush in to what, exactly?

I'm in my late twenties. While I do have some twenty-something friends who are married, I still have plenty of friends who are my age, and also in their thirties, and forties, and, yes, even fifties who have never been married (but still readily admit a desire to be married.)

I have to wonder what all this "rush" is that everyone keeps talking about. 'Cause I really don't see this massive stampede toward the married state or anything.

Seems like it's become the norm (in our society) to wait to marry 'til one is well past thirty. Somehow, this is not just the reality of society, but also encouraged in society, and in the church culture as well. Spend your twenties, when sexual energy and fertility are at their peak, building your career, getting schooling, travelling the world, involved in ministry and... well, marriage is then, you know, something you can "settle down" to when you're well into your thirties, after you've experienced all life has to offer and when middle-age and perimenopause are just around the corner.

Yeah. Makes a lot of sense. There's definitely wisdom in waiting 'til your twenties have passed to marry. I'm not sure what or where the wisdom in it all is, exactly, but considering plenty of people are espousing it, it must be beneficial somehow... right?

Marriage = idolatry?

Don't get me wrong here. 

I'm not wishing my life were any different than what it has been. 

Thus to this point, my life has been an amazing journey with Jesus, and anything besides dull. He's taken me on so many adventures that I never thought I'd go on, led me into experiences I never dreamed I'd get to have. I've lived in places I never planned to, and have visited places I never expected to see. His hand is clearly etched on every page of the annals of my life. Every single page.

But, still, I find myself wondering: Is this the life we were meant to have? 

Is this really the way God designed us? to spend our twenties exploring the world, making that a priority over establishing and building families? I look around me, and I'm not the exception - I'm the norm. There was a time once when a woman my age and still unmarried would've practically been considered an old maid.  Once upon a time, people got married practically right out of highschool. Became adults, and took on adult responsibilities very early in life. The world we live in is very different now than it used to be. 

I look at myself, and those around me, and all I can think is, Boy, we aren't growing up very fast, are we?

I've  heard it argued that singleness is for God's purposes. But just how exactly is it purposed for God's glory? I don't think there's some mysterious "spiritual" benefit to all this, that somehow extended single-hood "proves" you are "sold-out" for God. I've heard it said, that if extended singleness were really, truly about building God's Kingdom, an epic spiritual revival would've already swept the nation a long, long time ago.

Which makes it all the more confusing when I sometimes hear (well-meaning?) people refer to our universal desire for marriage as an "idol." Really? Somehow I missed this - somehow I thought an idol was something that we put more time, energy and focus into serving than we do serving and loving God.

If idolatry were actually the case here, then I don't think we'd know too many single people - they would've sacrificed dreams, reality, and reason long ago and just jumped up and married the first random willing person who walked by.

I don't really think that's the problem we have here.

In fact, might we actually have a propensity to idolize and hold above other things, the single status? These days, there's not much encouragement or advice to marry. There is, however, more than an abundance of incentive and counsel to eschew or delay marriage.

I kissed what goodbye?

Which circles me back to my visceral reaction to the terms purposeful and single, used so often as twins, two inseparable peas in a pod, in so many of the popular books written for single people.

  
My real problem with that old, former favorite of mine, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, is the punctuated emphasis on singleness. Extended singleness. The entire theme of the book, if you look at it right, is really, Focus on serving God in your "season of singleness."

Which sounds good. I mean, why wouldn't we want to serve God with every aspect of our lives?

But wait; hold on.

"Season of singleness?"

Is that even a Biblical concept?

Last time I checked Scripture, it didn't say anything about there being this special spiritual period, lasting from puberty to about age twenty-five or thirty, where you focus exclusively on "serving God," before getting married. You either are called to singleness (which is a status that lasts your whole life, 'cause it's a special gift from God) or you're not. There is no in-between or "best of both worlds" situation. You're not called for a season. You're called for a lifetime or you're not. That's it.

And I'd venture to say, considering how God has biologically wired us, and considering the desires He's given us, and considering what He said in the beginning - "It is not good for man to be alone - I will make a helper in sight of him" - that singleness is not what He called most of us to.

If that's the case, then... why are we here? Why so many single people?

And, I have to say, I don't know. At least, I can't give a nice packaged response to that question, nor can I delve into that subject without writing another one thousand words, expounding on the spirit of the age and the sexual revolution and our own personal choices and a whole lotta other things.

But I sure know we're not helping at all with our emphasis and encouragement and praise of the single life.

We're not helping the single people; we're hurting them.

So now what?

Instead of discouraging the institution of marriage (that God created) we ought to be honoring it.

Instead of telling the eighteen or twenty-year old, "You're too young to be thinking about marriage; you need to focus this period of your life on serving the Lord, or getting through college," we ought to be encouraging healthy, God-honoring relationships.

Instead of telling single people they just need to be content and place energy solely into all other areas of life, we ought to be helping them build towards the day when they will be establishing a family of their own.

Instead of giving cause to make people feel guilt or shame for their God-given desire to marry, we ought to be praising God that He has given us this earthly picture of how the relationship between Christ and His Church works.

Instead of discounting or diminishing the value of something that is God-created, we ought to start thanking Him for what He made, and viewing it as His gift.

Instead of making up words that sound good but that Jesus actually never said and putting them into His mouth, we ought to start listening to what He's actually saying.

Marriage is an important goal. Not the ultimate goal - we know that knowing Jesus is the ultimate goal.

However, we need to recover from this tendency we have to emphasize singleness, placing it on a higher plane than it ought to be.

Let's go back to the way God designed things.