Is Singleness an Idol?

I opened a box of one of my old book collections, figuring it was still in there.

Yep, uh, huh.

Slightly dust-covered, page edges a bit mis-colored, but otherwise no worse for wear.

My old copy of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, in one piece, my name and the date I'd acquired it scrawled in pencil on the front page boldly declaring ownership.

Idle curiosity, and perhaps in that idle curiosity, a lingering question about what exactly had compelled me to, for so many years, build much of my life around the philosophy expounded on in that book, prompted me to crack open the pages that had so long laid shut.

The words lept up and hit my eyes; words popping out on nearly every page and burning onto my retinas.

Purposeful singleness. 

Season of singleness.

Singleness, glorious singleness on every page.

My stomach wrenched and I started feeling nauseous.

I couldn't read more; I closed the book.

"Don't Rush"

I heard this all the time, from women my mom's age (and not just when I was still a mere slip of a girl , either, mind.)

"Don't rush. Take your time. Don't let a guy ruin it. Focus on other things in life."

Rush? Rush in to what, exactly?

I'm in my late twenties. While I do have some twenty-something friends who are married, I still have plenty of friends who are my age, and also in their thirties, and forties, and, yes, even fifties who have never been married (but still readily admit a desire to be married.)

I have to wonder what all this "rush" is that everyone keeps talking about. 'Cause I really don't see this massive stampede toward the married state or anything.

Seems like it's become the norm (in our society) to wait to marry 'til one is well past thirty. Somehow, this is not just the reality of society, but also encouraged in society, and in the church culture as well. Spend your twenties, when sexual energy and fertility are at their peak, building your career, getting schooling, travelling the world, involved in ministry and... well, marriage is then, you know, something you can "settle down" to when you're well into your thirties, after you've experienced all life has to offer and when middle-age and perimenopause are just around the corner.

Yeah. Makes a lot of sense. There's definitely wisdom in waiting 'til your twenties have passed to marry. I'm not sure what or where the wisdom in it all is, exactly, but considering plenty of people are espousing it, it must be beneficial somehow... right?

Marriage = idolatry?

Don't get me wrong here. 

I'm not wishing my life were any different than what it has been. 

Thus to this point, my life has been an amazing journey with Jesus, and anything besides dull. He's taken me on so many adventures that I never thought I'd go on, led me into experiences I never dreamed I'd get to have. I've lived in places I never planned to, and have visited places I never expected to see. His hand is clearly etched on every page of the annals of my life. Every single page.

But, still, I find myself wondering: Is this the life we were meant to have? 

Is this really the way God designed us? to spend our twenties exploring the world, making that a priority over establishing and building families? I look around me, and I'm not the exception - I'm the norm. There was a time once when a woman my age and still unmarried would've practically been considered an old maid.  Once upon a time, people got married practically right out of highschool. Became adults, and took on adult responsibilities very early in life. The world we live in is very different now than it used to be. 

I look at myself, and those around me, and all I can think is, Boy, we aren't growing up very fast, are we?

I've  heard it argued that singleness is for God's purposes. But just how exactly is it purposed for God's glory? I don't think there's some mysterious "spiritual" benefit to all this, that somehow extended single-hood "proves" you are "sold-out" for God. I've heard it said, that if extended singleness were really, truly about building God's Kingdom, an epic spiritual revival would've already swept the nation a long, long time ago.

Which makes it all the more confusing when I sometimes hear (well-meaning?) people refer to our universal desire for marriage as an "idol." Really? Somehow I missed this - somehow I thought an idol was something that we put more time, energy and focus into serving than we do serving and loving God.

If idolatry were actually the case here, then I don't think we'd know too many single people - they would've sacrificed dreams, reality, and reason long ago and just jumped up and married the first random willing person who walked by.

I don't really think that's the problem we have here.

In fact, might we actually have a propensity to idolize and hold above other things, the single status? These days, there's not much encouragement or advice to marry. There is, however, more than an abundance of incentive and counsel to eschew or delay marriage.

I kissed what goodbye?

Which circles me back to my visceral reaction to the terms purposeful and single, used so often as twins, two inseparable peas in a pod, in so many of the popular books written for single people.

  
My real problem with that old, former favorite of mine, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, is the punctuated emphasis on singleness. Extended singleness. The entire theme of the book, if you look at it right, is really, Focus on serving God in your "season of singleness."

Which sounds good. I mean, why wouldn't we want to serve God with every aspect of our lives?

But wait; hold on.

"Season of singleness?"

Is that even a Biblical concept?

Last time I checked Scripture, it didn't say anything about there being this special spiritual period, lasting from puberty to about age twenty-five or thirty, where you focus exclusively on "serving God," before getting married. You either are called to singleness (which is a status that lasts your whole life, 'cause it's a special gift from God) or you're not. There is no in-between or "best of both worlds" situation. You're not called for a season. You're called for a lifetime or you're not. That's it.

And I'd venture to say, considering how God has biologically wired us, and considering the desires He's given us, and considering what He said in the beginning - "It is not good for man to be alone - I will make a helper in sight of him" - that singleness is not what He called most of us to.

If that's the case, then... why are we here? Why so many single people?

And, I have to say, I don't know. At least, I can't give a nice packaged response to that question, nor can I delve into that subject without writing another one thousand words, expounding on the spirit of the age and the sexual revolution and our own personal choices and a whole lotta other things.

But I sure know we're not helping at all with our emphasis and encouragement and praise of the single life.

We're not helping the single people; we're hurting them.

So now what?

Instead of discouraging the institution of marriage (that God created) we ought to be honoring it.

Instead of telling the eighteen or twenty-year old, "You're too young to be thinking about marriage; you need to focus this period of your life on serving the Lord, or getting through college," we ought to be encouraging healthy, God-honoring relationships.

Instead of telling single people they just need to be content and place energy solely into all other areas of life, we ought to be helping them build towards the day when they will be establishing a family of their own.

Instead of giving cause to make people feel guilt or shame for their God-given desire to marry, we ought to be praising God that He has given us this earthly picture of how the relationship between Christ and His Church works.

Instead of discounting or diminishing the value of something that is God-created, we ought to start thanking Him for what He made, and viewing it as His gift.

Instead of making up words that sound good but that Jesus actually never said and putting them into His mouth, we ought to start listening to what He's actually saying.

Marriage is an important goal. Not the ultimate goal - we know that knowing Jesus is the ultimate goal.

However, we need to recover from this tendency we have to emphasize singleness, placing it on a higher plane than it ought to be.

Let's go back to the way God designed things.

Love, the Unpredictable

Love.

Romantic love, I mean.

Unpredictable. Volatile. Unfathomable. Inexplicable.

Not something you can lay out neatly in a box, create in a test tube.

And so we try to control.

Manipulate, use, or avoid.

Hide.

The problem isn't with romantic love.

It isn't something to blame, eschew, dismiss.

Not at all.

That won't solve the mess.

The problem starts - here.

With us.

We don't have, but desperately need, a Love bigger than this.

We need God's Love.

His Unquenchable, Unfailing, Unfathomable, Unconditional Love.

Because His Perfect Love

casts out all fear;

all need to dominate, control, dictate.

Perfect Love casts out all fear.

His Love -

is perfected in us.

May we submit to and yield to HIS Love -

and,

in this, be free  -

to give

and to receive

and  to live,

freely,

in HIM.

If You Value Sleep, Don't Watch K-Dramas

K-Dramas should come with attached warning labels: "Warning: Watching this drama can severely affect your health. It can cause severe obsession, consume time best spent elsewhere, interrupt your regular sleep schedule and keep you awake fretting about how the characters are going to resolve their problems."

 I know. It sounds utterly ridiculous. However, if you ventured into K-Dramas (typically of the romantic comedy type) you would see how this could be true. I haven't (yet) delved into too many K-Dramas (I do have a real life to live, thank you very much) but of the ones I have, I find several similar threads: endearing, believable characters that become like friends, hilarious, ridiculous, often extremely awkward scenarios that throw the most opposite of persons together, and unlikely romance.

 I just finished the 16-part series, "Full House Take 2."

Okay, ignore the fact that it shares a name with a well-known American tv show of the 80's/90's. I happen to, inexplicably enough, be a fan of that show as well (weird, yes, but that's another subject entirely) but if I had to chose between the two very different "Full House" tv dramas it would be the Korean one, hands down. For one thing, Korean dramas put about as much attention into detail and cinematography as one would expect from a movie. For another thing, the characters aren't shallow cardboard cut-outs who have half an hour's time to resolve their issues, as they are in American sitcoms.

"Full House" is actually the name of the manor where the story plot takes place. (It is sort of a double entendre, as several extremely different people do end up situated in the house together in an absurd manner.) The story follows K-Pop star Tae-ik, the rightful heir to "Full House," who due to unfortunate events has lost ownership and has "sold" himself as a teen idol in hopes of eventually claiming his inheritance back. Kang-hwi is his fellow star sidekick, and Man-ok is the peppy girl who, thru a series of cataclysmical events, ends up as the duo's personal stylist. The story follows the three as they are thrown together in one impossible, ridiculous situation after another. Oh, yes, and there's another girl in the mix, too, as well as numerous other characters both delightful and comical.

The opening episodes are a bit hard to take. Honestly, it looks at first sight like it's just a show about two shallow, silly pop idols who bicker and have no life outside of the stage. Tae-ik's appearance is especially jarring; on stage his exaggeratedly effeminate appearance, hair and fashions beg the question, "Is this a guy or a girl?" (According to my sister who lives in Korea, the outrageous, effeminate fashion is the norm in the K-pop world, even for heterosexual males.) Still, I have to admit all the fashion was a fun touch in this particular series. The character Man-ok, as an aspiring designer, has fun taste - I admired all her quirky, funky outfits that combined various textures and patterns.

As the story unfolds, it soon gets past outside appearances, and we start to see that each person here is a real person with a real heart, as layers like an onion are peeled back bit by bit. We see that Tae-ik is quite a bit deeper than the robotic, obsessive, self-centered freak he is, and oh... maybe he is capable of caring about people besides himself. Kwang-hwi is adorable, warm and loving, someone that you want to take care of and protect from all the horrible things that have happened in his life. And feisty Man-ok glows, holding the story together and never giving up even when circumstances get rough, continuously and selflessly caring for and looking after her friends' well-being.

 Why do I like K-Dramas so much? Is it the characters themselves, whom we begin to believe are real people, as we see their multi-dimensional human-ness? Is it the way they are all thrown together, the comedy that ensues when they rub each other wrong and annoy one another in the extreme, but then end up ultimately growing thru the process? Or maybe it's the universal themes that run thru them, the themes that make me think that maybe I'm not just a hopeless romantic, that maybe these themes appeal to us because they're true.

Themes like:

Love isn't just a feeling. It's an action. It's about how you treat people, show them care, and prefer them above yourself.

How true friendship endures, and how incredibly valuable it is.

How telling the truth is just so much better (and simpler) in the long run.

How a man's heart can be deeply moved and touched by a woman.

That a man needs to fight, even against insurmountable odds, to get the girl.

That people can change.

That "true love" is real.

Those, I think, are reasons why at the core, K-Dramas are so endearing. Even tho the stories are not in any sense spiritual, they still remind us of things that, deep down, we truly desire. Things that are worth hoping for, even while the world is screaming at us to be "realistic" and face the "grim realities of life." Things that serve as a reminder to never stop dreaming, hoping and loving.

"Love...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

1 Cor 13:7

Do We Want McDonald's? Or a Four-Course Steak Dinner?

You know, I think sometimes we believe we have to settle for mediocrity.


What would you say if someone told you that it's a pipe dream to desire to have a real, sit down meal? One with matching china plates, a tablecloth, maybe some flowers in a vase. Crackers with cheese balls and a glass of red wine to get things started off with, then a great big chef salad with homemade croutons,  followed by a juicy grass-fed Angus beef onion-encrusted steak, grilled veggies and fluffy mashed potatoes slathered in butter, finished up with a blueberry galette.

And you dream of one day sitting down and enjoying this sort of meal with friends gathered 'round the table.

And then someone shatters your dream, telling you, "That's unrealistic. No one eats that way anymore. You won't ever be able to enjoy a meal like that. Your best option is to drive thru McDonald's and get yourself a Big Mac."

We often fall for this line, don't we? We may desire a real meal, but sometimes the only option that seems available at the moment is McDonald's. So we think we have to settle for less, for nutritionally void, tasteless, chemical-laden fast "food." Because it's convenient, it's there, and... no one seems to be enjoying a real sit-down meal.

I am sure this analogy could relate to many things; mostly I was thinking about it relating to how I sometimes tend to view marriage. Like, I ought to accept a mediocre relationship, one where there's not really love, or respect for one another, because it's merely a hopeless romantic's dream to desire something that's real, meaningful, spiritual, edifying, connected, loving, respectful, passionate, supportive.

There are a lot of reasons for this, but I seem to have this wrong mindset that I ought to be open to McDonald's. But I've realized, lately, that while McDonald's may be ubiquitous, and it may be easily obtained - it's not for me.

It may take longer, require more effort, more patience, more work, more seeking the Lord to cause provision, to get to prepare and enjoy a four-course meal. But it actually can come into existence.

And it also delivers more joy.

And it's something that nourishes the soul.

How Do You Know a Man Loves You?

When a man is willing to put my needs above his own, laying down his life for me

When he makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world

When he treats me not like an old, dirty, neglected dishrag

But rather like a treasure, a jewel that he cherishes and

Wants to protect

And when he not only says these things 

(Words are so important!)

But also demonstrates them as well

In the way and manner he treats me

When I know that I am safe to be what I am, who I am

And not expected to be

Something or someone I'm not


...then I will know I am Loved.


-ALM, November 2, 2014

Goals for 2015?

Do I make or write down new goals every year? No.

But, I have been thinking a lot about what I want this new year to entail.

There are several things I look forward to - so, in a sense, maybe I do have some goals for the coming year:

1. Fall in love with Jesus...all over again.

When it comes down to it, I look forward to a year of learning to hear Him, resting in Him, delighting in Him. Not getting caught up in things that don't matter, or that aren't of the Truth. He's the One who matters. Knowing Him matters more than anything else. Nothing else does.

2. Get healthy.

I started GAPS diet last November. It's been going really well - a lot less inflammation, that's for sure. The purpose is for healing the gut, which is a good thing for those (like me) who have autoimmune issues. I want to be stronger, physically, and better fit to serve God in whatever capacity He sees fit.

3. Love the person in front of me.

He's been highlighting to me this. A LOT. About how important it is to seek to bless, encourage and edify others that cross my path. To have that as my goal, rather than a "what's in this relationship for me?" attitude. Loving others is what Jesus is about - we see how He emptied Himself, coming in the form of a servant. That's what I want to do, too.

4. Prepare for what's next.

There are a few specific things I believe God will have me getting into... eventually. But I want to be preparing now, and learning and listening, so that when He says "go," I am ready to jump up and go!

"What if" we are asking the wrong question?

We get bogged down in the "what ifs."

What if I make the wrong decision? What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if I get hurt? What if I hurt someone else? What if it all explodes? What if I hit a bump in the road, or find a bend I didn't see coming? What if it doesn't turn out like I'd planned? What if I don't reach my goal? What if I lose my way? What if I forget God's promises? 

We get so distracted and caught up by all the "What Ifs," that we can't ask the "What Is?" - which is the real question to be asking:

What is God doing right now?

What is He calling me to do, right now, today?

The first question may beget a journey.

The second question's answer, I think, may often be found simply in front of us:

Rest. Trust. Obey. Delight.

"Commit your way to Yahweh, trust also in Him, and He will do it. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your judgment as the noonday. Rest in Yahweh and wait patiently 

for Him."

(Psalm 37)